The Cuda Adventures

The women are beautiful in Buenos Aires.  There are striking, statuesque, uber- babes gliding around the streets with poise and confidence all over the place. The great news for any pasty white male from London is that they are everywhere, hip babes hanging around, smiling and doing their stuff. The bad news is that the fellas, known locally as the Portenos, are sharp operators. The Portenos are described as being hot headed, opinionated and emotional. Buenos Aires is a place where a Portenos losing his rag and throwing the kitchen sink out of the window for..well stepping on an ant… will get serious lady points and loads of bedroom action. Not only that, the local Portenos hold the major ace card with the ladddiiiiess, they are are simply awsome at Tango. Apparently, Tango originated from a 1900´s dance by pairs of men waiting for their favourite prostitutes. I decided to observe the Portenos-Tango- smooze kings in action at a local San Thelmo bar; a small  dark intimate Tango venue called Bar Sur, renowned for encouraging participation from outsiders.  As I glugged down a couple of jugs of pop to loosen up the nerves, I watched the slick Portenos smoozing the local beauties on the floor in their full DJ attire, the tourists clapped in appreciation. These fellas are a troupr of refined souls; tight trousers ( and no doubt a couple of coconuts strapped to his undercrackers!) pointed leather shoes and clipped small talk give them the air of being bloody brilliant at Tango and the females love it. Now it was my turn, the female hostess clapped her hands smiled and asked me Vamos A bailar, Shall we dance? I calmly excepted the invitation as the slick male tango boys stepped back and I stepped up to the centre stage with the main female tango babe. The simple yet fiendishly complicated key to tango is not to volunteer in the first place….it is a shortcut to a tourist buffoonery award. To everyone watching me, I didn´t possess the slick Tango gravitas of my BA couterparts, years of Pogo dancing and Jacko impersonations at weddings had left me with two left feet! Within minutes the slick Portenous stepped back onto the dancefloor and rescued the lady from my hapless buffoonery, .I returned to my seat as a feeling of Tango defeat crept over me but I had shown the local Portenos one thing; How to look good being bad at Tango.

Smooze language tips for impressing B.A Ladddiiiiies

Would you like a drink?    Quieros una Copa?                     

Do you mind if I sit here?  Te importa si me siento aqui

Shall we get some fresh air? Vamos aTomar el Fresco  

Do you have a boyfriend? Tieno Novo                             

Can I take you home?     Peudo llevarta a casa

What she is probably saying back to you (translated)

I´d rather not old bean    mejor que no                     

I´m here with my boyfriend Estay acqui con mi novio   

No sorry, I´ve got better things to do Losiento pero  tengo  otras  cosa mas                                                     

Stop hassling me por favour dejae de molestarme

Excuse me I need to go now! Lo sinta pero tengo que irme